The Art of Awkwardness: When Grammar and Syntax Go Astray

One of the most frequent sources of amusement and confusion in property listings arises from a well-intentioned, yet often misdirected, attempt at creative writing. Sales representatives, eager to imbue their descriptions with unique flair and memorability, sometimes venture into stylistic choices that actively defy conventional English. The result can be sentences that are not only clunky but genuinely baffling to the average reader.

Embracing Yoda-Speak: Inverted Sentence Structures

It seems some listing agents draw inspiration from cinematic Jedi Masters, adopting a sentence structure more fitting for a galaxy far, far away than a typical suburban home. Phrases such as “Spacious & bright the open lobby,” “Comfortably spaced is the foyer,” or “Open & spacious the great room” are prime examples. While these might aim for a poetic or dramatic rhythm, they more often achieve only bewilderment. A prospective buyer isn’t seeking a linguistic puzzle; they are looking for a straightforward, clear understanding of the property’s features and benefits. Instead of an inverted structure that requires mental reassembly, a simple and direct phrase like “The open lobby is spacious and bright” or “The foyer offers comfortable spacing” would convey the exact same message with far greater clarity and professionalism.

Such grammatical contortions, while undeniably amusing, can inadvertently detract from a property’s perceived value. A listing peppered with awkward phrases might subtly communicate a lack of meticulous attention to detail, not just in the description itself, but potentially in other aspects of the property or the sales process. Prioritizing clarity and conciseness should always take precedence over an attempt to be overly “eloquent” if it compromises immediate comprehension.

Stating the Self-Evident: The Curious Case of Obvious Inclusions

It’s generally understood by anyone seeking to purchase a home that certain fundamental structural components will be present. Walls, ceilings, and floors are universally accepted as integral elements of any habitable dwelling. Yet, some listings feel an inexplicable compulsion to meticulously specify these assumed inclusions, often leading to moments of comical redundancy.

When Floors and Fixtures Get Special Mention

Consider the listing that proudly proclaimed, “Porcelain floor & four quality appliances included.” While the emphasis on “quality appliances” is undoubtedly a relevant and attractive selling point, the explicit mention of a “Porcelain floor” feels rather superfluous. Buyers generally expect a floor to be part of the package! This kind of oversight can unintentionally make a listing appear less sophisticated and more rudimentary than intended. It raises humorous, albeit rhetorical, questions: Was there a genuine concern that the floor might be absent? Or perhaps a history of previous owners absconding with the flooring? Professional and effective listings should focus on highlighting unique features, recent upgrades, and genuine benefits that differentiate the property, not on components that are universally assumed to be present. One wouldn’t expect a car advertisement to boast “four wheels included,” and the same principle applies with equal measure to real estate.

The Maze of Ambiguity: Missing Rooms and Mysterious Substitutions

One of the most frustrating and counterproductive elements of a poorly written listing is its capacity to generate more questions than it provides answers. Ambiguity can lead to significant confusion, potentially misleading interested buyers and ultimately wasting valuable time for all parties involved.

The Disappearing Act: Kitchens and Bathrooms Replaced by Tiles

A classic illustration of confusing ambiguity comes from a listing that boldly stated: “Updated kitchen and bathroom which has been replaced with ceramic tiles.” On the surface, an “updated kitchen and bathroom” sounds highly desirable. However, the phrasing “replaced with ceramic tiles” strongly implies that the *entire rooms themselves* have been swapped out for a mere material, rather than just the flooring, wall coverings, or countertops. While ceramic tiles are undeniably attractive and easy to maintain, most prospective homeowners would undoubtedly prefer an actual toilet, sink, and functional cabinetry over rooms composed entirely of tiles! Such descriptions leave potential buyers wondering if the property is unfinished, if vital components of the home are inexplicably missing, or if it’s merely a very peculiar artistic statement, severely undermining its overall appeal.

The Enigma of “Put-Out Drawers”

Another instance of truly peculiar phrasing was unearthed by Ottawa broker Gord McCormick, who encountered a kitchen described as having “put-out drawers.” This evocative phrase immediately conjures images of grumpy, irritable drawers that actively resist being opened, or perhaps drawers that are perpetually misplaced and difficult to manage. While it’s highly probable this was an innocent misspelling or an awkward translation (perhaps intended to mean ‘pull-out’ or ‘extendable’ drawers), the current wording introduces an element of confusion and unintended humor. Such small linguistic quirks can create a lasting, albeit negative, impression on a buyer’ diverting their attention from the actual features and benefits of the kitchen itself.

Navigating the Eras: Outdated Terminology and Modern Quirks

Occasionally, a property listing can create the peculiar sensation of having traveled through time, or perhaps even into an alternate dimension, due to its peculiar choice of words or its idiosyncratic descriptions of contemporary issues.

The Echoes of the Past: “Drying Machines”

A listing that proudly announced, “The comfortably spaced laundry has quality washing & drying machines” might understandably induce a nostalgic chuckle in a modern reader. While perfectly comprehensible, the term “drying machines” possesses a distinctly antiquated feel, reminiscent of “flying machines” from the nascent days of aviation. In current parlance, we simply refer to them as “dryers.” While certainly not a critical error, such archaic phrasing can inadvertently contribute to a perception that the entire property feels dated, even if it is otherwise perfectly contemporary. These subtle linguistic cues can significantly influence a buyer’s subconscious assessment of a home’s modernity and overall upkeep.

Modern Mysteries: “Virtual Car Sharing Problem”

Leaping from the past into a somewhat perplexing present, an Ottawa listing contained the enigmatic phrase: “Virtual car sharing problem located on premises.” This description immediately raises a multitude of questions, offering few answers. Is it a problem with a car that exists only virtually? Or a problem related to car-sharing services that are themselves conducted virtually? Or perhaps it refers to a metaphorical ‘problem’ that manifests only in a virtual sense? While innovative car-sharing solutions are increasingly prevalent, describing them as a “problem” (whether virtual or otherwise) without any further clarifying context creates an aura of mystery, and not necessarily the desirable kind. It vividly illustrates how even well-intentioned attempts to describe modern amenities can go significantly awry without the application of clear, precise, and unambiguous language.

The Comedy of Errors: Typos, Homophones, and Unintended Tales

It’s often the smallest errors that lead to the most significant laughs, or the most profound misunderstandings. Typos and the accidental misuse of homophones are frequent culprits, effortlessly transforming otherwise ordinary property descriptions into extraordinary, often hilarious, narratives.

A Magical Journey: The Island and the Fairy

Barbara Jacobsen of Re/Max All-Stars shared a truly delightful listing blooper: “You can get to the island via a fairy.” While the whimsical image of a magical, winged creature whisking prospective buyers away to a secluded island property is undoubtedly enchanting, it is, sadly, highly improbable. The clear and obvious intent was “ferry,” the practical vessel designed to transport people and vehicles across water. This simple homophone error completely alters the practical accessibility and realism of reaching the property. It’s a harmless mistake, to be sure, but it powerfully underscores how a single wrong letter can paint an entirely different picture and potentially confuse buyers regarding crucial transportation logistics.

The Vague and the Vexing: “Uncommon Area Maintenance”

Denise MacDonell of Red Door Realty in Halifax once encountered a listing where condo fees bafflingly included “uncommon area maintenance.” This phrase stands as a masterclass in ambiguity. What exactly constitutes an “uncommon area”? Is it an area rarely visited by residents? An area populated by peculiar, exotic flora? Or perhaps a clandestine, hidden lair? The vagueness inherent in this description, while a source of amusement, could also legitimately concern potential buyers about hidden costs, unexpected responsibilities, or simply a lack of transparency. Clarity in detailing what condo fees encompass is absolutely crucial for fostering transparency and building trust with prospective buyers. Such imprecise phrasing only invites undue speculation and a barrage of questions.

The Athletic Garden: “Running Perennial Garden”

Who could have imagined that gardens possessed such athletic prowess? One particularly vivid listing described a property featuring “backyard space for a running perennial garden.” While the mental image of a garden requiring strenuous physical intervention is certainly striking, it’s highly improbable that the plants are literally sprinting across the yard. This vivid imagery, while humorous, could easily confuse some potential buyers about the garden’s actual maintenance requirements and its perceived ease of care. It serves as an excellent example of figurative language gone slightly awry, where the intended meaning (perhaps a garden designed for movement, or one that thrives and spreads vigorously) becomes unfortunately lost in an overly literal interpretation.

When Typos Turn Taboo: The Unprofessional and the Profane

Some typographical errors are innocent and amusing; others cross a distinct line, transforming an otherwise professional listing into an embarrassing gaffe or, far worse, an offensive remark. These types of mistakes serve as critical reminders of the absolute necessity for meticulous, multi-layered proofreading.

The Unfortunate “Backyard Shit” Incident

Davida Girard, company co-ordinator with Re/Max Jazz, recounted a truly unfortunate incident where administrative staff mistakenly entered “backyard shit” instead of “backyard shed” into an MLS listing. To exacerbate the already egregious error, the salesperson’s additional remarks mentioned a “friendly dog on the premises.” This highly regrettable combination is not only profoundly unprofessional but also exceptionally off-putting. It leaves an indelible negative impression and can severely damage the credibility of both the listing agent and the property itself. This serves as a stark and memorable reminder that even the smallest, seemingly insignificant typo can have monumental consequences in terms of public perception, professional reputation, and buyer interest.

The Crass “Snow-Crapped Mountain” View

Another cringe-worthy typo was discovered by Stephen Burke of Sutton – West Coast Realty. His very first board-loaded listing audaciously extolled the gorgeous views of a “lovely snow-crapped mountain.” While this might have been an accurate, albeit crudely expressed, reflection of someone’s personal frustrations with a prolonged winter, it is utterly inappropriate for inclusion in a professional property listing. Such a profane slip completely undermines any attempts to describe natural beauty and can instantly alienate potential buyers. It vividly demonstrates how a single, misplaced letter can transform an alluring feature into an unprofessional and offensive remark, severely damaging the property’s overall appeal and the agent’s credibility.

A Quacking Conundrum: “Heating Ducks in the Basement”

Lorraine Northcott of Realty Executives Leading in Spruce Grove, Alta., stumbled upon a listing that puzzlingly referred to “heating ducks in the basement.” While initially hilarious, this typo (almost certainly intended to be “heating ducts”) immediately raises legitimate concerns. A prospective buyer might humorously, yet seriously, begin to wonder about potential water issues in the basement, or perhaps even a bizarre, unauthorized poultry operation within the home. This example beautifully illustrates how a seemingly minor typographical error can introduce genuinely serious, albeit humorous, questions about the property’s condition, maintenance, and overall suitability. It underscores the paramount importance of precision, especially when describing technical or structural aspects of a home.

Beyond Errors: Words That Should Never Grace a Listing

Beyond the realms of simple typos and grammatical missteps, there exists a category of words and phrases that, regardless of the agent’s intent, simply have no place in a professional real estate listing. Their deeply unsettling or profoundly inappropriate connotations make them entirely unsuitable for property marketing.

The Disturbing “Unmolested House” Description

While some listings appropriately describe homes as “unspoiled” or “pristine,” aiming to convey a sense of untouched beauty and potential, one listing took a gravely inappropriate and disturbing turn by depicting the house as “unmolested.” This word carries profoundly negative, often criminal, and deeply disturbing connotations that are completely and utterly unsuitable for property marketing. It imbues the common and positive phrase “awaits your personal touch” with a disturbing and potentially illicit meaning. Such a descriptor is not only grossly unprofessional but also deeply offensive and would undoubtedly deter almost any prospective buyer. This serves as a powerful and chilling reminder that word choice matters immensely, and even seemingly innocuous attempts to convey a property’s untouched state can go horribly, disastrously wrong without extremely careful consideration of broader societal meanings and implications.